Alright so I teased everyone with the fact that I am down to one guy. The girl who is bored in 2 seconds is down to one guy again. I ran them all away I guess and now i feel that you are all deserving of my explanation for some reason...
7 days ago I told Tim about a situation that happened 8 weeks ago that avoided a problem 9 months from then. Now I'm not too good at math so i have sympathy for all you that are missing the point here... 2 months ago I was pregnant.
I was the worst kind of pregnant too...pregnant and actively sleeping with two guys. I took legitimately 4 different kinds of test but funny thing about that, when you're pregnant your pregnant. I opted to tell my 'boyfriend' Nate since he is the caring/ comforting one and he did everything perfect by the book. Supported me through my craziness and when i needed space he gave it to me. I agreed on the "procedure".
Procedure? really? did I just truly try to play off abortion as a 'procedure'? It's a mind fuck really in all reality and god bless the women who work at planned parenthood because I do not know how they deal with all the stress of everyone walking into that place. It happened and i felt like I was in a procession line and it was cold and I felt horrible after. Everything you would and could expect, it was extremely textbook.
Nate was perfect after as well- Gave me my space and time and didn't push to see me. The sad part was as soon as i found out i was really really pregnant and it want going away- I had a rush of urgency that I did not want to be attached to Nate for the rest of my life. They always say when you flip a coin to make a decision- the coin toss never truly makes the decision. The decision is made right before the coin falls because you know right then and there what decision you want to win- and Nate did not win.
This is not to say that Tim won either, but at that moment Nate was on the chopping block. If this abortion didn't push him away nothing could. And Tim, well Tim is the youngest of 6 kids. His two oldest brothers- each have a child out of wedlock. Now if I told Tim about this pregnancy first i guarantee id be sitting here writing this story 4 months pregnant and so maybe he has every right to be pissed at me.
I waited to tell him until I felt comfortable with it since Tim isn't the comforting type and it kind've came out by accident after he asked why I was on birth control. It was a 2 minute conversation and I can say with about 99% certainty it was my last conversation with him. He's not one of those people to beat around the bush and basically handed my ass to me once he found out. The words "respect", "communication", "future" all got thrown around but in the end it came down to the good ol' "fuck you" that we all know and love
so here I am, down to one great caring Nate- who cant even win with a double sided coin. Do i end everything and start fresh? find a new guy i wont cheat on? or stay with Nate til now until I find someone new so i dont have to deal with being alone..
then again just because your alone doesn't mean your lonely
xx
here i go again on my ownnn
wonderin down the only road ive ever known...
ok so i havent been here in awhile but i had a random epiphany (and by random i mean i sat next to this guy ron on a plane to vegas, told him my whole recent debacle of a life, and he seemed interested so i'm back)
i know people dont like long blogs so we'll keep it short and sweet. I'm down to one guy and don't ask how i keep this masterful circus going because i honestly have no clue and have had so many close calls i dont even know what to do with them (more posts about that later)
. my birthday came and went and without any suprise i was dissapointed by guys gifts. Jewlery...of all things i told him not to get me, he got me jewlery. Even though he tried really hard not to get me a standard piece of jewelry...
how do i know this you ask?
When i looked it up it was under the men's section of david yurman, yea the men's section- but jewlery is still jewlery and i lose it, break it, or dont like it 90% of the time.
vegas was bitchin' didnt sleep with anyone, just had some fun, and managed to crash a gay Australian bachelor party. I promise to be more up to date now if not just for me and my life- for good ol' ron bomb.
xx
so...i cheated- that really lasted long. but in theory i guess we would have to define cheating too right? is it emotional or physical? I think you can do either or without being a cheater but once both get into play you not only have a problem but a label as well.
i didnt even get to cheat with someone new and exciting- its an oldie but goodie which i guess just makes my life more cyclical then i thought possible. maybe im addicted to my ex's? and cheating? I cant even think of the last time i hooked up with a new guy, the old ones just consume the majority of my time. If i meet a new guy at a bar and then an old one comes in, why wouldnt i go for the old one? i already know its a shoe in right? i guess its just an insecurity thing.
so are we going to cheat and tell? hell no, i'm not ready to break my poor boys heart- plus its not like i slept with the guy, just a few innocent makeout sessions. when we get to sex then i guess we should probably have a sit down conversation with the boyfriend ( who i use to cheat WITH on one of my older boyfriends- but that's neither here nor there). Once a cheater always a cheater? pretty much might just be the story of my life. I always want what i cant have, probably just addicted to the chase.
I was watching yes to the dress the other day running and randy, the extremely logical and talenteddress associate of Kleinfelds, was giving advice to one of the brides who kept "falling in love" with different dresses. He goes to her " Once you find a man you love you stop looking- otherwise you would just find another one and fall in love with him too and another one and another one." Obviously he was referencing a dress and not her actual love life but i never seem content in what i do have, which is always a perfect boyfriend, and just keep moving on. At least it provides constant entertainment. I know i shouldn't have a boyfriend if i act and feel this way but really ignorance is bliss and since no one is reading this blog anyway, its just between me and you - right bill gates?
xx
new years resolution: write more! surprise surprise- i guess death didn't keep me that motivated, so maybe 2011 will. I decided not to join a gym since they're too crowded anyway so on to the next as my man jay-z would say.
holidays came and went but the boyfriend is still here. who knew monogamy would suite me so well? maybe it was the convenience of the holidays- cause we all know no one wants to be alone for the holidays, or maybe second time really is a charm.
Dating an ex, never a good idea from what I'm told- the whole " its an ex for a reason" but really how can you resist, there's no fake or awkward conversations and you know all their flaws right off the bat- no surprises, no weird birthmarks to find, and really in theory, you should know the problems before hand so you can avoid them right off the bat. Theory is bullshit though. It goes from trying to avoid those problems to "you knew this about me before you started it". and ex sex just never works. You get all the good things from the relationship without the bad emotional stuff and then the thoughts just start swarming
"we'll we're older now", "we're more mature", "i've never met anyone that compared to you"- and then you get drunk one night and shit hits the fan and it all comes out...
"...and then you broke up with me 3 weeks before prom and didn't speak to me the whole summer before senior year, how could you be so inconsiderate."
I'd really like you all to please note how the emotions and scars of a broken hearted 17 yr old girl stays with you for the rest of your life- these are things that cannot be covered up. The best answer to those questions are "i dont know im young" which infuriates the 17 yr old inside of you. - i've been holding onto this issue for 5 years and you still dont know- at least make something up.
long story short we're working through "the prom issue of '05"
xx
We're told to recycle, to help the enviornment, to protect our children and their future earth, and hell it even makes us feel a little better about ourselves. My favorite thing to recycle? Boys
Now I have my fair share of ex-boyfriends and I never thought about "recycling" until I became completely single a little over a year and a half ago. I ran into one of my ex's and just started up an innocent conversation. What started as a conversation ended in the bedroom, right where we left off.
I didn't need a text the next morning, some empty promise of hanging out. I had had my fill and and I was completely satisfied. I already knew what a shitty boyfriend he was so there was no lusting after him that way. It was a balance for the emotionless and I had it down to a tee. What was I doing just stopping at one ex-boyfriend? I had them all over the island, hell I had them all up and down the east coast!
"Recycling" was a term I cannot even take credit for. My friends all laugh at me because it was such a nonchalant action. It became a bad habit. It was my go-to. I didn't bring a guy home that night? Not a problem- I had an ex-boyfriend most likely within a 10-mile radius that I could be with that night. It made me lazy in my man hunt, that is until i did the big no-no.
My "NYC" ex was always a convenient crash pad. Hoboken Irish Day? perfect. Yankees Day Parade? I'm passing out there. I didn't have to worry about a train home, I had guaranteed sex, and usually a meal squeezed in there somewhere along with a bed to sleep in. But somewhere between those drunk stumblings through the east village and incoherent cab rides I started liking him again, like really liking him, like dating liking him.
Fool me once, shame on you- fool me twice, shame on me. It's practically my moral code. I never go back to ex-boyfriends. But here I am with NYC in an "exclusive" hook up (i know what are we 12?) But I cannot date someone again. "its called a break up for a reason", "he's not that into you" , how many books do I have to read in order to get the hint? Society tells us no- but here I am commuting the city every other weekend to see my ex? (current?) boyfriend.
I always thought recycling would do me some good but it looks like I'm the one eating shit now. I should be all happy I'm in a steady relationship but to me its a little ticking time bomb that's going to erupt into something bigger then the BP oil spill, but I'm sure I'll have plenty of recyclables around to help clean me up after
xx
Death consequently makes everyone think about life- usually their own, since we are selfish creatures by nature.
- where are we going
- will we change our path
- have we effected anyone?
- will I have more people at my funeral then the person next to me ( and we all think about that one so don't even try to judge me)
Its a tragedy that makes us think life is way to short. It lights a fire under our ass for what? a week? a month? do you need death for constant motivation to do something productive? - well it certainly doesn't hurt. (why else did i start this blog)
Oh thats right because I think that someone might find my life someone relevant- find humor or interest in something I am babbling about, and maybe increase the number of people that will attend my funeral. Sure I could tweet my every move but that isn't nearly as funny as my actual life, or the commentary on my life which could sadly be summed up in three words-
sex, sweats, and sarcasm.
